I am a Survivor

Posted: Tue Aug 30, 2005 10:04 am

Your strength is amazing ..... what more can I say ....
Thankyou for sharing ....

ladyh
x

Posted: Tue Aug 30, 2005 3:01 pm

Thanks for your constant encouragement LadyH. It helps me to continue writing "my story". I just pray that it helps others to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.....As I keep saying....hang in there with me as I tell my story and just know that God wins in the end!

Posted: Tue Aug 30, 2005 3:03 pm

I left off telling you about my first experience on stage at the Strip Club. To make a seemingly unending story a tad bit shorter I will get right to the point in my experience in the Clubs.

After my first stage experience and then learning pole-work and dancing from Rebecca, I developed a big ego. It is something I am ashamed of now, but it is the truth. I was able to do awesome stage shows and because of my prior "experience" in prostitution, I was- shall we say- more accepting of the things men did to me during lap dances. I don't want to go into detail on that, but the easiest way to explain it without being graphic is that men try almost any kind of sexual act that they can with most girls that they lap dance with. Many of the girls have their "limits" and will only tolerate so much and then they basically tell the guy they are dancing for to back off. Not me...I pretty much allowed anything because I was used to it. As a result of the combination of my stage shows and my liberal lap dances I quickly became the "top dancer" at the club.

The "top dancer" is the girl that earns the club the most money on a daily or nightly basis. I went to the top of the list fast and stayed there. The owner of the club and the General Manager (not Jeff) encouraged me every night to beat last night's numbers. Which meant I began competing against myself. I pushed myself hard. If I had done 60 lap dances the night before I had to do (in my mind) at least 61 the next night to earn the constant praise from the owners. I became a self-destructive machine....I just pushed myself to the limits night after night after night...

The good part of me working in the Club was that Harold had less control of me as he couldn't stay in constant contact with me at the Club. There was no way possible for me to carry a cell phone around with me in the Club and there was no way he could just drop in and "set me straight".

So, as a result, I began to distance myself mentally from him somewhat.

I however, was pushing myself so hard that I became addicted to alcohol and drugs to "enhance" my stage presence. I had never struggled with substance Ab*se in my life....but once one of the bartenders hooked me up with first alcohol then drugs I felt like I was doing even better (and my numbers went up) and I was able to dissociate and distance myself from what was going on in my life. It seemed like a good idea at the time!

Then, one night Jeff approached me in the dressing room. Jeff had already earned my respect as in the beginning I viewed him as intimidating and stereotyped him immediately as just another one of the destructive men in the world. I had no basis for my intial judgements, I just lumped him into the "bad man" category without getting to know him. Over time working for him for many months I came to see that he was different in many ways from the other managers/owners in the Clubs. He actually showed compassion and respect towards the dancers! (Not to mention he is/was extremely handsome!) I began to notice that many of the girls came to him with their problems and that he would actually listen and try to help them...I never once saw or heard of him taking advantage of the girls when they were in bad situations (or at any other time for that matter)! He made it very clear that when he looked at a dancer that he looked us in the eyes (not at our bodies like all the other managers) and that he had come to see women undressed as their uniform at work. He had been managing for 15 years when I met him and he was over the whole "This is the greatest job in the world" thing.

So, back to the night he approached me in the dressing room. He told me that he was concerned about me as he knew that I was turning to substances just to survive. He was the first person to notice that I was harming myself by picking at my skin (I learned how to cover it up well with makeup). He told me that if I needed help that he would help me. I just sat there and cried. I could not get a word out! I was thinking to myself if this man only knew my past and that I had been a prostitute there was no way he would care about me. So, I just cried. I cried so hard that I had to leave my shift that night and go home....you can't keep your makeup looking good if you are gushing with tears.

Over time I began to open up to Jeff just a bit. I did not tell him about my past, however, I just opened up to him about my substance Ab*se problem and he was trying to help me get clean. It took months and months of his unrelenting kindness for me to even open up to him about that. Sometimes I was outright nasty to him yelling things like ,"What do you care if I drink!? I bring in the most money for this club and you know it!" He would always respond that it wasn't about the money for him, that he was actually concerned about me....I thought "Yeah, right!" for the longest time.

Then one night a customer slipped a "roofie" (a drug that makes you pass out) into my drink. I was initially unaware of it. All I remember was I was lap dancing with some guy and then I woke up in a hospital bed with Jeff standing by my side. From what I was told, after I lap danced with the guy I was dancing for, I was making my way down the stairs to the main floor and passed out. Jeff picked me up and rushed me to the dressing room where he had April (one of the dancers) dress me in my street clothes. He then drove me to the hospital where they confirmed that I had been slipped a "roofie" and they gave me fluids and I am not sure what else they did and then waited for me to wake up. When I did wake up I was incredibly disoriented and confused. Jeff tried to explain what had happenned, but I was having a hard time taking it all in. He then drove me to his place - (remember I lived at least 40 minutes away)- and sat with me all night to make sure I was going to be okay. I later learned that he had seen this happen to many dancers over the years and knew what to do.

I was panicked all night that Harold would be calling my apartment and wondering where I was and that he would later beat me for not being home when I was supposed to. I was freaking out yet I was afraid to tell Jeff why. I finally told Jeff I needed to drive home....and I did....but looking back I shouldn't have...don't you love hindsight...

As usual....to be continued....

Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 7:29 am

Drugs r a scarey thing, it is one thing to do it yourself but to have them slipped in your drink is another .. drugs r not good at any time but the thought that someone could do that to another human being is just discusting ....
Please continue your story, I can't wait to read how this part of your life ended and how your new life began with Jeff ...
Hugs to you my friend ..

ladyh
x

Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 9:49 am

wow ... just ... wow. This is the most amazing life experience I have ever read Blondie. I am so priviledged and thankful to you for sharing this. I am spellbound by it.

Loving Heart Joined: 24 Aug 2005 Posts: 55

What does it take to be a Spiritual Leader?

One thinks of flawless purity. But only Jesus could be such, as the Son of God, the flesh is not flawless, and His was the only part of Him that was attacked and destroyed. His purity of Divine Spirit was not, and thru that was He Arisen. When I think about that, what else can I believe but the example that brings to all of us about the spark of Divine Spirit in all of us. That no matter what horrors are inflicted upon our flesh bound bodies, our true souls cannot be touched.

Though our sins be as scarlet, though our hearts be shattered, though the vile Ab*se in our days and nights the Holy Blood shed on the Cross has already cleansed us of our sins. The only thing we need do is embrace our Messiah and through His Son, our Heavenly Father gathers us to Him.

Our Dear Lamb, Blondie Lashes, shows us things we would never know or imagine about the horrible torments and threats to life itself faced by our lost sisters and brothers. We are blessed to have in her story living proof of the soul's desire to turn from the evils of the carnate world, from the false, cursed "pleasures" of lives without our Lord God and His Infinite Love.

Thru her soul's deep desire for God, and with a man who represents the best spirit of manhood, they were saved. Such heart and courage and clearest sight are the qualities to be a Spiritual Leader.

We need not even ask for miracles, only open our eyes to behold them.

Your sister in prayers and Christ,

Latreia

Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 5:02 pm

Thank you my dearest Lateria....

I pray that my story is an encouragement (and not to triggering or graphic)....I want to bless others and help them to see that no matter how far away from Him that we fall...He is there to catch us and mend each and every injury!!!

I may or may not be writing more to my story today (Wednesday, 08/31/05)...feeling a bit under the weather....If I get up some energy today, I will continue!!!! I am just so anxious to get to the GOOD part - where God wins!!!!!!!!!

Peace to all-

Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 8:45 pm

So, after my experience of winding up in the hospital from some guy drugging my drink and Jeff being there to help me, I began to open up to Jeff more and more. We became really good work friends and I secretly had a crush on him, but I was afraid to act on it because of Harold.

The night of Jeff's 35th birthday, many of the club empolyees threw a big birthday party for him at another club in Los Angeles. I just told Harold I was working and went to Jeff's party. Little did I know that Jeff had told many of his friends that if he wasn't married by the time he was 35 that he was just going to give up looking.

Anyway, that night we went to a club to celebrate and I didn't know it at the time, but Jeff had feelings for me as well, but had been afraid to express his feelings towards me because he was afraid of rejection! So, after he had drank 15 shots of Yegermiester (yes...15!), smoked some pot, and had some champange (don't worry - we both are clean and sober now!) he asked me to step outside and have a cigarette with him.

I replied that I didn't smoke but would love to go outside with him, so I did. As soon as we were outside, he leaned over and kissed me...and I kissed him back! He then pulled away and apologized for being so forward. I replied not to worry, that I liked him too!!!!! He then asked me how much I had been drinking and I could honestly reply I was sober!

Well, after that night, Jeff and I began dating. It was complicated because of Harold. One night Jeff and I were sitting on his living room sofa and my cell phone kept ringing. I knew it was Harold. Jeff was asking me what was going on. I just sat there and cried. I could not force any words out at all. I wanted to tell Jeff all about Harold, that I had been arrested for prostitution, that I had been abused by my father, etc. but I was terrified that he would reject me. So, I sat there shaking and crying for hours. He patiently sat by my side and helped me get the words out one by one...it took forever. I was exhausted at the end of it all and Jeff just held me and told me he loved me and that he didn't care about my past!

The next day since I hadn't gone home that night and I went straight to work at the club and never called Harold, Harold set out to hunt me down. He started his hunt by calling the club to see if I was at work. Guess who answered the phone? You guessed it...Jeff answered! Jeff immediately knew it was Harold as I had told Jeff his age and about his heavy accent (he was from Argentina) and here he was getting a phone call from an older man with a heavy accent asking if I was working. He asked for me by my "real" name, not my stage name. Jeff knew it was Harold....and I am not sure of exactly what Jeff told Harold (and I don't think I ever want to know...Jeff wasn't Christian yet and still involved in organized crime), but after years of torment and being followed and abused by Harold....that day it all stopped!

I was so elated and for at least a year after that I looked behind every bush, tree, in the back seat of my car, screened every phone call, moved in with Jeff (remember we weren't Christian yet), etc. Harold was really gone!!!!

Well, to try to speed up a forever story, Jeff and I both got "clean" together and ended up leaving the Industry together. It took a lot for us to leave (for Jeff it took finding out that two of his friends...the owners of the club he managed....had murdered someone!....but that is a story for a different day!)

We moved out of Los Angeles, worked through some tough stuff....depression...my past....finding "real jobs".....going from having endless supplies of cash to being flat broke and out of work.....but in the end God used it to His glory!

We got married and after we had been married about a year I felt the Lord tugging at my heart saying, "Remember Me?" I gave my life back to Christ and started going to a wonderful church here in our area. Jeff respected my beliefs, but stayed away as he had been raised Jewish.

Well, remember when The Passion of The Christ came out in theaters? Jeff wouldn't go to church with me, but he would go to a movie theater....so I asked him to go with me to see The Passion. My tough, strong man sat there and cried like a baby! That night he accepted Christ as his personal Lord and Savior and we have been fighting the good fight togeter ever since!

I won't kid you and say that it has been easy, God is still healing us today, but it is soooooooooo worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 12:30 am

Wow that is an amazing story.... you have a wonderful testimony and the strongest courage I have ever experienced. Thank you for sharing your story with us, it is a beautiful testimony to God's love.

Thank you.... Your story will help so many who read it to not give up

Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 12:32 am

:cheers:Woohoo and so another chapter begins in your lives....

There r so many things that r swimming in my head to say and none of them seem right, 'cos nothing I say will tell you just how much it means to me to read your story and see a portion of your life that was .....
THANKYOU for sharing it with us and having the courage, strength and honesty to finish it .. THANKYOU ..

Your sister in Christ and friend
LadyH
xxx

Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 8:50 am

I read and I just want to say you have been threw so much. I was crying when I read this you have been threw it all.

God Bless you sis

Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 12:27 pm

May God bless each and every one of you!!!!

p.s. Jenna- it is soooooooooooo good to see you online this a.m. We have been praying for you!!!!!!!!!!

Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2005 4:26 pm

Thank you blondie

That was an amazing story and you have been through so much my heart bleeds for you. I have been through a similar experience I will tell you my testimony eventually.

Posted: Sat Sep 03, 2005 3:54 pm

I hope that you will trust us enough to tell us your story Jenna. Know that God will be with you, with every word you will type. Glory be to Jesus ..
God Bless and Keep You

ladyh
x

Blondie, your story still amazes me and I am in awe of your courage and strength to tells us ... ladyh x

Posted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 10:55 pm

Blondie...
God is so awesome in your life and in your testimony.. Smile

As I read survior stories I am constantly amazed at how God takes so much yuck and turns it all around in so many ways for others and for His glory.
Our God is an awesome God....!