I am a Survivor

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I am new to this forum. I posted this on the survivor of Ab*se forum with no response, so I decided to put it here too. I could really use some advice. I am a child Ab*se and R*pe survivor. I came to this forum seeking something, but I am still not sure what that is. Some recent events in my life have brought back things from my past that were buried deep and never spoken of. I may as well start at the beginning and maybe someone can tell me what I am looking for.

My uncle sexually assalted me, my brother and my sister when I was five years old. I remember this. I have never had any trouble remembering it. I also remember telling my mom and dad. I thought it was a funny game and my sister and I told them over supper, giggling. I remember that I could not understnad the angry looks that spread across their faces as we told them. However, this was the first and only time the incident was ever spoken of with my parents. I never knew what happened as a result of telling them, all I knew was that I was never supposed to see my uncle again. And I didn't. I grew up with this strange void in my life, never knowing my cousins, just seeing the occasional picture of them at my grandparents house.

As I said, the incident was never spoken of with my parents. Once in a while my sister would talk to me about it. She was only 4 at the time and couldn't remember things as clearly. She sometimes felt that she had made it up in her head, but knew it had to be real since we never saw my uncle or his family.

A couple months ago my grandfather died we were forced to see my uncle and his family at the funeral. I was silently dreading this unfortunate family reunion, but also somewhat anxious to see my cousins. My whole life I wondered about them, because I never knew them, but also because I wondered if he would hurt them too, the way he hurt me and my siblings. For most of my life I consoled myself with the (unproven) idea that he was not the type of monster that could hurt his own children, just some elses. So I met my cousins at the funeral and was relieved to see that they seemed entirely normal. Could these 3 girls really have ever been hurt? It did not seem to be the case so I let myself believe it.

Sunday night my mom called me. She said she had some bad news that she had to tell me. She said that one of my cousins (who is 21 and the oldest of the 3) went to the police and told them that my uncle had been having sex with her her entire life. She had told her boyfriend what was going on and he convinced her to come forward. She said that she had told her mom several times and that she didn't do anything about it. She said that my uncle had also hurt the other two girls in the same way, especially the youngest (aged 10).

My mom said she was telling me this because my cousin told the police that he had previously been convicted of molesting me and my siblings. She said that the police might want to talk to me. This was all complete news to me. I had no idea that my cousin knew the reason why I had not been in her life since she was about a year old. I also had no idea that my uncle had been charged and convicted for what he did to me and my siblings. As I said above, this was never talked about, and sunday was the first time my mom ever said anything to me about what happened.

I got off the phone with my mom as quickly as I could. I could not bear for her to know how upset I was. I felt sick. I nearly vomitted. I was shaking and crying and I did not know what to do with myself. It was like everything that I thought that I had dealt with in my past came flooding back to me in that moment. It was remembering every detail of what happened to me and realizing that my cousins had it a million times worse. It was like I have been able to deal with the fact that he hurt me, but this was unbearable. I think a lot of it was guilt. Guilt that I knew that he was a monster and that I was unable to protect my cousins from him. My mom told me that my uncle only went to jail for 18 months for what he did to me and my siblings and some other kids (my mom did not say how many other kids). I was also angry at my parents for not protecting my cousins. It did not seem fair that they were able to protect me and my siblings but not those other three defenseless girls. And I feel guilty for feeling angry with them because it is obviously not there fault and I should be thankful that they were at least able to protect me. And I felt angry at the justice system because it failed them. Sure they might do something now, but the damage is already done. The only consolation that I get from it is that maybe now that my cousin spoke out, my uncle won't be able to hurt her or her sisters again.

And I feel like I should talk to her, but I don't know how and I don't know what to say. I have no problem talking to the police about what happened to me and I hope I can help her in any way, but I don't even know her. And it is all his fault. It is his fault that I am hurting and that my cousins are hurting and that I don't know my cousins, but I feel like it I get angry and upset and cry then my uncle has won. But I can't help but feel this way. It is all I can do now to go to work and try to keep my mind off it. It is impossible not to think about him hurting my cousins and it makes me sick to my stomach. I don't know how to deal with this. That is why I came here, I guess. Because you guys know what it is like and maybe you know how to deal with this.

Posted: Fri Aug 26, 2005 3:03 am

Sweetheart, your uncle is a very pathetically sick man. And, crying is an outlet of emotion so never be afraid to cry.
And please, don't be afraid to talk about this to anyone?
Guilt is a heavy load to carry my Pet. And, you have nothing to be guilty about. This man has left his victims feeling guilty.
Darling one, you could not help what this man did to others. These people are predators who seem to prey on the weak little ones.
Dealing with it is a day by day thing. It will never completely leave you as these people appear to leave scars for life. But all scars fade with time and in God's timing, the scar fades.
Perhaps if you should talk to her, your first words could be " Hi, I was a victim too." then let the conversation flow from there. What do you think?

Posted: Fri Aug 26, 2005 12:56 pm

I feel for you so deeply! It is a tough situation to be in! I am also a survivor of childhood sexual Ab*se. I know that as I get older and grow in the Lord that it becomes easier to process and accept (not agree with by any means) what happenned.

I will pray for you. I pray that God will give you wisdom as to what to say and when to say it. I pray that God will give you peace and encouragement in your darkest hour. I pray that you will come to see you are a Survivor!!!! You have so much to offer others who have been through similar experiences. I truly believe God allows us to use for good what the Enemy tried to use for evil!!!!!!

You are in my thoughts and prayers! PM me if you feel lead....although I am still trying to figure out how to PM here and recieve PM's! I know I will figure it out soon though!

Peace,

Blondie Lashes

Posted: Fri Aug 26, 2005 1:09 pm

I can relate to alot of what you have said here..
I was abused by an uncle for yrs..
then as family members passed having to face him at the funerals and wondering if he abused others..though he was never convicted of anything.
I hear and know the pain and that sick feeling all to well..and memories of how my uncle abused others as I witnessed it and wonder how they are doing today...and why it wasn't stopped.
I think God would use you for your cousin...but you should pray about it...and have Him speak to your heart.
Here and caring and praying for you and your family..

Loving Heart Joined: 24 Aug 2005 Posts: 55

To our alleycat,

Thank God you are here to share these terrible things with many
who carry awful memories from their childhoods. Guilt, I fear,
oppresses almost all of them, some feel they deserved the Ab*se
because they were bad.

Your uncle and those like him, got away with nothing. The
unspeakable damage he caused destroyed his own soul with every
evil thing he did. But nothing can ever take from you the value
of you as a person and your soul.

Now you have in your heart the makings of a healer of others, thru your own experience. You have a thousand ways open to you to turn the shame and suffering and guilt into bright, loving sympathy and concern for others. This is the glory of God working thru you. You will see it again and again on this forum. Stories of despair and tragedy, all shared with those who care deeply.

If nothing else for your cousin in words, just stand before her with love in your heart and your eyes. Let your tears fall in her sight and hold out your arms to her. Words are not all there is to give.

Let there be peace and love in your world, and let it all begin in your own heart, where it will grow, I promise.

Love, Dear Child,

Latreia Smile

Posted: Fri Aug 26, 2005 4:42 pm

hey alleycat, im sorry you went through all that, he is a sick man like the others have said, your not alone here, we are all here for you and post as much as you want

Smile

Belinda

New Creation in Christ Jesus Joined: 27 Aug 2005 Posts: 1

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I will think about the advice you have given me and pray that I will have the strength to make it through this trying time. I know that many of you have been hurt in similar ways and I will pray for you and for everyone else who is going through this. I only hope that I can make a difference in the future and help my cousins get through this too.

"And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have faith."- MATTHEW 21:22

Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 6:47 am

Hi alleycat,

I too am sooo sorry that you had to go through such an ordeal!!! My sexual Ab*se came from my step-dad. So I do understand the mixed up feelings and emotions that must be going on inside of you right now. Do remember that in no way, form, or fashion, was it your faults. Children do not ask for something like that!!!!! Please feel free to PM me as well if you'd like Smile

God bless you as you deal with this. We're here for you and behind you!

Holly

Moderator Joined: 28 Aug 2005 Posts: 12 Location: England

Allycat, I feel for you so much, my dear.
It's an awful feeling, like a lead weight in your heart - I know, I've been there.
But in the end, you will be able to let go and get on with your life.
God blesses those who have been so cruelly used, all you have to do is hand this situation over to Him - when you can. It may not be yet but eventually you'll find it the right thing to do.
In the meantime, your heart is on my heart and I'll hold it before the Lord for you.

New Creation in Christ Jesus Joined: 26 Aug 2005 Posts: 5

Alley Cat, thank you for sharing we all feel your pain.

New Creation in Christ Jesus Joined: 26 Aug 2005 Posts: 5

Edited due to Upsetting Content, Please PM Latriea and she will Advise me on where to move it Cool

I apologise for seeming harsh. it was 5am in the mourning Very Happy